Single ...... Again?

Single….. Again

The battle of the two sexes is probably one of the most difficult I’ve come across in my 28 years of life.

When you’re already single or have been for a long time, the fight can become easier. You know your enemy very well but aren’t emotionally or financially invested in them. You can fob them off at a moment’s notice, delete them from Facebook and twitter, unfollow on instagram and perhaps even lose their phone number indefinitely.

Once you’ve crossed those enemy lines however and joined forces with them, things can get very hazy. If you’re lucky enough to be in a happy, secure relationship, good for you! And no need to read any further.

Recent years with my girlfriends have suggested not only is the above a rare relationship, its duration is not always eternal. Now some of you will say I’m being pessimistic and some of you will say I’m being prepared.

From the tender age of 14 I Iearnt one important factor about being single….. Again

Revenge feels amazing!............ (Especially if you don’t mind breaking the law)

I believe that women have the advantage in this fight… our exes are sitting ducks thinking we are at home with the Kleenex and chocolates.

We are not.

One of my closest friends, whose name will remain a mystery, was kind enough to show me how it’s done.

Our very first victim was a well deserving ex-boyfriend…. He dumped her, he was a dick, and revenge was in order.

One late Saturday night our mission became apparent, give his car (otherwise known as his baby) a makeover. So off we went (4 of us) to Coles to purchase some weapons of mass destructions. Eggs, flour, and litres of dishwashing liquid.

Cut to giggles and 4 girls dressed in black clothes sneaking up to said victim’s property. With our array of weapons we let loose- throwing eggs, pouring flour anywhere and everywhere and then squirting as much dishwashing liquid on door handles and then just all over the place.

We raced back off to our getaway vehicle, adrenaline rushing! Shit we must dispose of all this evidence. So we drive down a local main street to dump the rubbish in the public bins (sure we will defame a vehicle but we will not litter) Getting back in the car we congratulate ourselves …. Mission complete, and boy did it feel good.

Just as we crack a celebratory can of coke (I was 14) we notice something strange….. Ex-boyfriend pushing his “baby” complete with current makeover towards the petrol station……..

Apparently he was out of fuel, and shit out of luck!!!!

Good Times,

Stay tuned more revenge to come xxx

Friends with Benefits

Single and…….. Benefits?

At an all-time alarming rate us single girls were hit with the newest weapon the boys had to offer. Friends with benefits. Well before Justin Timberlake & Mila Kunis were making this sexy, we were all navigating our way through this war.
So these were the rules; you were technically “seeing” someone, you were not “exclusive”, you were not “dating” them, nor were they your “booty call”. You wouldn’t eat together, or even go in public with each other.
So I see your asking well what the F#*% did it mean?
To be honest I don’t think anyone knows what it meant. To me it was that I liked hanging around that person, I enjoyed their company and their cuddles. It also meant none of the relationship drama, no hang ups, and no worries.
But what happens when like turns to love, or when you long for their company and cuddles. Yes you guessed it drama, hang ups and plenty of worries. It really was inevitable that we would fall for some of these fools, we were blindsided with optimism, freedom and fun. I must tell you that the benefits rarely outweighed the cost.
It happened to most of us at one point or another, and 99% of the time we were the ones texting too much or trying to make something out of it. I remember one Sunday being extremely hung over eating our faces off at our local café. My friend had been “seeing” this guy for quite a few months, with high hopes that a relationship might follow, she wasn’t asking for a lot, just his time.
Half way through a bite of my scrambled eggs I see my friends happy face turn into rage as her “friend” walked in to eat with another girl. This is where the boys win….. remember they weren’t “exclusive” so why should she be mad?
I’ll tell you why boys, because this girl deserves to be taken to breakfast, because she is beautiful, sexy and smart, because you’ll never find anyone like her again, and she will never be anyone’s second choice.
Straight away we put up our best amour, talking ridicoulsy load, laughing our heads off, and generally oozing confidence. He picked up his girl, his plate and coffee and left.
WE WON.
Yes it was upsetting, perhaps slightly embarrassing and definitely enraging but lessons were learnt. Don’t do battle if the results aren’t worth it. Don’t let anyone dint your armour, and don’t fight a war on an empty stomach.

Single in the clubs

Single in the clubs.

Being single in the suburbs is one thing, but what happens when a group of you travel to the trenches, right in the line of fire?

Mobile Phones by this age were all the rage, still not in colour, no apps or cameras attached, but if you didn’t have a nokia you weren’t cool. Us girls armed with our mobiles would hit the town in style looking for fun, trouble, love and whatever in-between.

Fake tan was liberally applied, as was bronzer and mascara. War paint was a must! Getting ready was half the fun, pre loading on cruisers, we’d straighten each other’s hair and discuss where to go first.

Being poor we would arrive early at some of Melbourne’s hottest spots in order to avoid wasting money on cover charges. Firstly we would hit the bar in order to scope out the selection of males awaiting us. We were eerily optimistic that Mr right could be over there shuffling to the spice girls.

Once finding a group of talent our mission would begin by dancing in their eye line hoping for some attention. Usually one of the group would come over and chat up some of my girlfriends. It took the bravest of friends to answer back, unless of course he was ugly and then suddenly rings would swap hands and like magic, we all married. I know this sounds super shallow, and no doubt it was if I’m honest.

More drinks, more flirting and of course plenty of dancing…. Until “I wanna dance with somebody” came on and if by cue there was always some serious disco pashing happening. The drunk, the brave and sometimes the desperate would be kissing away, hoping that the 15 cruisers and strobe lights were not lying.

Once they were sick of each other out came the nokias to exchange numbers, mostly my friends gave fake ones! This was either because they had seen what the guy really looked like at the bar, or quote “he’s not boyfriend material”. Again seems cut throat now, but it was what it was, and we were so young.

Many many nights were spent out and about not to mention our seamlessly disposable income. More often than not we would wake with a headache and enough change for a cheeseburger and a coke. It never felt like a waste of time because wherever we went, whatever we did fun ensured.

So yes I guess we lost this battle as we never met any decent blokes, maybe a few sneaky texts on our nokias, but all in all we put up a good fight and remained alive.

People always said “your never gunna meet your soul mate at a club”. What they didn’t understand was we had no alternative (or didn’t give a shit), where else can we find boys?

How many of you are guilty of the dirty disco pash??

Single in Suburbia

Single in suburbia.

The art of being single is the suburbs is very difficult for most 20 something women. Love truly is battlefield these days with social networking the major weapon. I’d like to think life was easy for our parents in the dating world, but I certainly have not asked mine.

Myself and a few single girlfriends are always busy trying to win this war so I thought I might tell you how it really is.

As per normal we all started our wars at around 15 when you couldn't stalk your prey on line because dial up was slower than the mail and mum and dad always said you couldn't use the computer. So there you were in high school dressed in your best addidas track suit fighting the good fight.

If you were like me high school was a no dating zone, no not because I went to an all-girls school, but because I had a notorious brother, whom everyone was afraid of. That said I grew up with lots of males as friends that regularly disgusted me, and most I’m still friends with today.

The late teens also didn't bring much dating for me; however my girls were out there taking one for the team. I remember late night drives to check that he was actually “home” and many many tears when he wouldn't answer on “MSN”. We had a few dating sites back then, but didn’t really care to indulge. We were too busy working out My Space and Bebo.

Dating friends of friends seemed to be in vogue at this age, ruining friendships and causing many awkward run ins at the local woollies. One of my besties did date a good male friend of mine, on and off for years. This situation, if you've ever been put in it is hard on all involved. At the beginning of the brake up you are forced to choose a side, draw lines in the sand and be ready for battle at any stage.

There were words of hate directed at the third party involved, we never knew her and we never wanted to. We shun her on social occasions when we were all present, and just generally pretended she didn't exist for years. I should add here that none of what occurred between my friends was her fault…. But we didn't care; we battled for our friend and her broken heart.

Today we all get along, in fact we all socialize at events together, even sharing some fish and chips for dinner. Both of my friends are happily paired and equally happy for each other. I guess we can claim time has healed these wounds. I’m happy for them all, now the awkwardness has gone for us.

Once again I never indulged in the friends of friends dating; again I blame my brother for this. By our early twenty’s we had lost this fight and found ourselves happily single and ready to mingle.